


i might be okay, but i'm not fine at all

by nataliecastle



Category: Gilmore Girls
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-04
Updated: 2015-07-04
Packaged: 2018-04-07 17:05:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4271148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nataliecastle/pseuds/nataliecastle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A snippet of Rory's life after Jess' departure.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i might be okay, but i'm not fine at all

Rory doesn't bother looking up from her notes when she hears Lorelai coming down the stairs. "Jeez, have you moved at all since I went to bed?" She just shrugs in response. "Honey, it's 3 a.m. Have you even slept?"

"I got a couple hours," she says distractedly, skimming her calculus textbook.

"Rory." Rory doesn't have to tear her eyes from the page to know there's a concerned expression on Lorelai's face. She's looked at Rory like that for days, has treaded carefully around her, avoided making any wrong moves, as if she might break or explode any second. But Rory has kept her composure. At least about things other than her upcoming exams. "Put the books down."

She complies, transferring her notes and books to the table, finally meeting her mother's gaze. "I have to study."

"No, you have to sleep or else your brain will melt." Rory knows she will win this argument -- though she briefly thinks she might be too scared to upset Rory to fight with her -- so she allows Lorelai to pull her off the couch, dragging her to her room. "Now get some sleep, okay?"

With a brief squeeze on her shoulder, Lorelai leaves, and Rory crawls into bed, shutting her eyes. She's pretty certain she's too wired to sleep, but she figures it's best to appease her mom and at least lie there for a while.

Hours before, she decided she would finish the section of Russian history that she was going over and then go to bed. Then her phone rang.

She answered.

They hung up.

He always hung up.

Why couldn't he just _say something_?

It has to be him. He has to be the one calling and not uttering a word and absolutely torturing her from wherever the hell he is.

Luke said California, but Rory really can't picture it. Jess Mariano at the beach? Please.

After that, she knew she wouldn't sleep easily, so she threw herself back into her studying, only drifting off for a little while before continuing to study.

Her mind often wanders to him, but she never lets it stay. She has finals and graduation and Europe to think about. In all her planning, she never accounted for a broken heart, but she isn't about to let that derail her.

She thinks she loves him, thinks she would've told him soon if their relationship hadn't crashed and burned the way it did.

It's okay though. Jess may be gone, but she has so much to look forward to, so many other good things in her life. She can't let it break her.

So maybe she planned on the two of them being together long term. Planned on making it work when she went off to Yale. Jess did too, didn't he? He may be a lot of things, but she doesn't think he's a liar. He felt all the things she did; if there's one thing she's sure of, it's that. They spoke in guarantees, as if nothing and no one could poke holes in what they had together.

Sometimes plans change.

Rory has to be okay with that, because the alternative is breaking down and she simply doesn't have time for it. She has to keep her focus, can't lose momentum.

Her future has to come first; that's how it's always been for her. The difference is now it's a future without him.

She can't help but think that under different circumstances, they would've lasted.

***

When she wakes up a few hours later for school, hearing her mom in the kitchen, making their morning coffee, the first thought she has is _twenty-two point eight miles_.


End file.
